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  OSCAR

  THE DETECTIVE

  OR, DUDIE DUNNE,

  THE EXQUISITE

  DETECTIVE.

  An Odd but Stirring Detective Narrative.

  BY OLD SLEUTH

  WILDSIDE PRESS

  OSCAR THE DETECTIVE

  This edition published in 2006 by Wildside Press, LLC.

  www.wildsidepress.com

  CHAPTER I

  DUDIE DUNNE PLAYS A GREAT TRICK TO RUN

  DOWN A CRIMINAL — AS SIMPLE JOHN HE

  APPEARS INNOCENT, BUT WHEN HIS MASK GOES

  OFF THE “FUR FLIES.”

  “Oh, fellers, look at this! he’s strayed or stolen; let’s go for him.”

  A group of little toughs were gathered at a street corner in a low locality in the city of New York when a dude of the first water with the regular Anglo step and exquisite airs walked leisurely down the street peering through his single eyeglass at the surrounding tene-ments. He was a splendid specimen in appearance of the dudie sweet, and the moment the eyes of the gamins fell upon him they saw a chance for fun. It was at first intended as a raid for fun, but in the end it became plunder.

  The dude walked along until he arrived opposite the spot where the boys were gathered, where they lay like little Indians in ambush ready to leap forth to slaughter.

  The dude stopped short, gazed at them with a smile which was all simplicity and asked:

  “Can you boys tell me where Maggie’s aunt lives around here? Tell me and I’ll give you a cent apiece.”

  “Here!” said one of the boys, and a second queried:

  “What is it?”

  OSCAR THE DETECTIVE

  5

  “Where did this thing drop from?”

  “Well, ain’t he a sweetie!”

  “Oh, dear boys, I am so weary. I’ve been looking for Maggie’s aunt. She lives somewhere down here. Maggie is our cook and she is under the weather — yes, very much under the weather — and I agreed to notify her aunt, but hang me if I can find her aunt. I don’t know her aunt’s name; I forgot to ask her what her dear aunt’s name is, and all I know is that she lives down this way somewhere, and she is Maggie’s aunt. If you lads will take me to her I will give you a penny apiece — I will, yes — I am in earnest — hee, hee, hee!”

  The laugh was something to hear, and the lads, all in chorus, imitated the simpleton’s laugh with a “hee, hee, hee!” which sounded very ridiculous, and the dude said:

  “Oh, you rude boys, I really believe you are mocking me — yes, I do. Now don’t be naughty, but come and show me where Maggie’s aunt lives — hee, hee, hee!”

  Again the lads in chorus “hee, hee, hee-d.”

  “Boys, what have we struck?” came the question.

  “Now don’t be rude, boys, don’t be rude, or I will chastise you — yes, I will chastise you. I don’t want to do so, but you may compel me to chastise you.”

  The boys just roared at this threat, and one of them stealing behind the dude gave him a “thumper” with his toe where the exquisite’s pants were drawn the tightest under his long coat.

  “Oh, oh, you wicked boy! What do you mean? Stop, I say, stop, or I’ll call the police, yes, I will.”

  “Say, Dudie, there are no police around here; we slaughtered and burned ’em all last month; you’ll find their graves down under the rocks there, so don’t holler.”

  As the spokesman uttered the words quoted he let drive and knocked off the dude’s hat, which one of the 6

  BY OLD SLEUTH

  gang immediately appropriated, and then the onslaught commenced. They just tore at the poor dude as a wolf tears at a carcass, and in less time than it takes to tell it they had stripped the poor fellow. One had put on the long coat and commenced to walk English style, another donned the robbed man’s hat, a second secured the eyeglass, a third his undercoat, a fourth his nobby vest, and so they stripped him of all his outside apparel, assumed it themselves, and then the circus commenced. They just paraded around their poor victim, imitating in a gro-tesque manner all the airs of a genuine dudie sweet. Two or three rough-looking men were standing at the door of a low groggery opposite and they enjoyed the fun and laughed as merrily as the boys who were conducting the affair. “What have we struck?” the lads kept repeating, and the dude stood denuded to his shirt and trousers, appealing to the lads to restore his wardrobe, and his appeals were pitiable to hear.

  “Oh, boys, you good boys, now you’ve had lots of fun, but dear me, I’ll freeze — yes, it’s an awful good joke — hee, hee, hee — but I’ll freeze, and to think, boys, how I look! Why, I’ll become a laughing-stock, but it’s an awful good joke — yes, I’ve enjoyed it; we’ve had lots of fun — hee, hee, hee — but now restore my clothing, please do.”

  The boys instead of returning the dude’s clothes began to maltreat him. They kicked and cuffed him around until one of the men walked over and said:

  “Here, you rascals, stop this now.”

  Another of the men came, and they seized the lads one after the other, took the stolen clothes away from them and restored the goods to their rightful owner.

  Well, this may appear very nice on the part of the men, but the sequel will show that they were actuated entirely OSCAR THE DETECTIVE

  7

  by selfish motives. They discerned that the dude might prove good plucking for themselves, and they were very kind and consoling as they assisted him to resume his garments and he said:

  “Well, we’ve had lots of fun, the poor dear boys; I did feel as though they went too far and I should punish them, but I hadn’t the heart — no, I haven’t the heart — I am so tender-hearted. I am almost a woman when it comes to the heart, everybody says so.”

  The men exchanged winks and laughed. It looked to them as very ridiculous — this delicate-looking dude punishing that gang of rough and vigorous gamins.

  The dude was speedily re-robed and one of the men said:

  “Let’s go over and have a drink.”

  “Thank you, gentlemen, thank you, I am much obliged certainly. We shall have a drink, but I will treat —

  yes, I will treat. But didn’t we have fun! and I am so glad I maintained my temper and did not hurt those poor little boys. It was all play, you know — gentlemen, all play. I enjoyed it very much — yes, very much.”

  “They were getti
ng a little rough,” said one of the men.

  “Yes, but you know I was getting a little rough myself.

  Really, I hope I didn’t hurt any of them. I didn’t mean to.

  I’m very vigorous, for I belong to an athletic club. I dare not trust myself to play rough with men, let alone boys —

  yes, I didn’t dare strike. I didn’t want to hurt any of them.”

  “You were very gentle,” said one of the men.

  “I intended to be. Yes, I am as gentle as a lamb unless I am aroused, then I become a lion — everybody says so — yes, I am very ferocious when I get mad, and I have to restrain myself.”

  8

  BY OLD SLEUTH

  “I can see you are very powerful. I wouldn’t like to provoke you,” said the man with a wink to his compan-ions and an unrestrained look of contempt.

  “I hope you never may. No, I do not like to lose my temper. I become very rough — yes, very rough indeed, my friends all tell me so; but I like fun — yes, I am a thor-oughbred, I am, clean through. I gamble, I do — yes, I am a regular sport, and I am so glad I did not hurt any of those boys.”

  “Yes, you were very considerate.”

  “Oh, certainly, I am always considerate — my friends all say so. I am naturally kind and gentle, but terrible when I get aroused — yes, I am just awful; so, gentlemen, don’t provoke me in any way.”

  “You can bet we won’t provoke you. I tell you I don’t want to get it in the eye from one of those mauleys of yours, and get knocked into the middle of next week.”

  “Hee, hee, hee! how observant you are, and now you’ve really discovered that I am an athlete! Well, I try not to betray the fact — yes, I am very careful to not let people know, and I try to keep my temper. I don’t like to get aroused.”

  The men went into the barroom and the dude called for a bottle of wine, and the miserable apology for wine was put on the counter. As the dude pulled forth a big wad of bills to pay for it the eyes of the men glittered and they exchanged winks and looked longingly at the roll of greenbacks.

  The wine was consumed and the dude ordered cigars, and he became quite talkative and drank a glass of whisky that was placed before him. Then he became still more talkative, and all the time he was the dude to perfection and boasted of his powers.

  OSCAR THE DETECTIVE

  9

  “Do you know,” he said, “I once had a run in with —?”

  The man named was a noted boxer.

  “How did you come out with him?”

  “Oh, I was gentle with him — very gentle. He winked and I understood what he meant and let up on him and permitted him to punch me. Yes, it was business with him, you know, and I could have knocked him out before all his pupils, so I just let him punch me.”

  “He is a pretty hard hitter they say.”

  “Oh, no, I didn’t mind his blows. He is very active —

  yes, very active.”

  “Did he bleed you?”

  “Oh, yes, I let him bleed me a little. I was gentle, you know, and I took a black eye which I carried for a week, and he afterward apologized. Yes, he was very grateful because I was so gentle and let him punch me. I spared him, but when I looked in the glass I told him that next time I’d have to rap back a little.”

  The men all laughed and one of them said: “I reckon he will not tackle you again?”

  “No, I guess not — hee, hee, hee! I tell you when I threaten a man he looks out — yes, he does — hee, hee, hee!”

  “I reckon you are a lucky gambler.”

  “You bet I am.”

  “Yes, you educated fellows are always quick in making combinations. I like to play with a good player and learn his ‘points.’ I am always ready to lose to learn.

  What do you say for a little game with a light ante?”

  “Well, now see here, I don’t want to rob you gentlemen — you’ve been so kind to me.”

  “Oh, we don’t mind losing a few dollars. You see, we are contractors. We do big jobs for the city; we’ve plenty 10

  BY OLD SLEUTH

  of money, only we ain’t educated, see, that’s all. We’ve worked our way in the world. We are self-made men.”

  “Well, do you know, I’ve got the highest regard for self-made men. My daddy was a self-made man. He was a government contractor, and when he died he left my mamma a million, and it will all come to me some day.

  Yes, I am the lucky only child, I am; but I don’t want to rob you gentlemen.”

  “Oh, we’ve all plenty of money to lose, and it’s an honor to play with a real gentleman. We don’t always have that privilege, and it’s real condescending in you.”

  “Oh, yes, I am very condescending — yes, yes — hee, hee, hee! But really I’d only rob you gentlemen. I call you gentlemen because you are gentlemen. I always judge of a man as I find him, as Bobby Burns bid us do, see — hee, hee, hee!”

  The party had drank several times and the dude began to show the effect of his drinks. He was a dude as true and genuine as ever lived.

  “Let’s go upstairs and have a quiet game,” said the man; “we don’t want to play down here where we will be disturbed by every low fellow that comes in. I tell you, gentlemen, we must protect our guest from annoyance —

  he is so kind as to give us a game and teach us a few points.”

  “Say, gentlemen, I am not aristocratic; I don’t put on airs; I’d just as soon play down here.”

  “No, it is much nicer upstairs. We can have a quiet game and take our refreshments,” and addressing the bartender the man asked:

  “Are you putting up the best every time, Sandy?”

  “Sure, I do; I knows me business, I do; I knows when a gentleman stands in front of the bar.”

  Young reader, this may be a lonely sort of siren play, OSCAR THE DETECTIVE

  11

  but it is true to life and should prove a lesson. The men were flattering the dude, and flattery is always based on design and a selfish motive. Beware of the flatterer in the first place. Eschew gambling — if you are only playing for fun it costs as much as though you were playing to make money. It is demoralizing every time, and often leads to greater crime. Gambling is a very dangerous amusement. These men were working the dude, and it is, as we have intimated, an actual incident we are describing. The conversation we reproduce verbatim.

  They were alluring the young man to rob him, and if the stake had been big enough these birds of prey would willingly have murdered their victim in the end to cover up the lesser crime with the greater, for they were believers in the false logic that “dead men tell no tales.” We say false logic, for dead men, though their lips are silent, as a rule — ay, almost always — leave silent testimonies behind that speak for them, and crime is always revealed.

  The silence of the murdered is a dangerous release, for murder “will out,” though, as stated, the lips of the victims are sealed in death.

  Dudie Dunne played well his part. He did not readily consent to go upstairs. He was playing a great game, playing on novel plans, taking great chances, and for the rascals who were alluring him he had a great surprise in reserve.

  After much persuasion he consented to go upstairs, but still continued to assure the men that he had no idea of robbing them.

  “But you will teach us some new points.”

  “You’ll have to watch me then, for I am giving nothing away.”

  The men ascended to a room on the second floor, a rear room.

  12

  BY OLD SLEUTH

  The men sat down at a table and Dudie Dunne put on all the airs of a “Smart Alec” to perfection. The game commenced. Our hero was dealer and a winner, and the way he “hee, hee, hee-d,” as he raked in his pot was amusing to watch.

  The game proceeded for fully half an hour when a most startling interruption occurred.

  OSCAR THE DETECTIVE

  13

  CHAPTER II

  THE EXQUISITE’S GAME PROVES A WINNING

&nbsp
; HAND, BUT NOT AT THE CARDS — HE PERFORMS

  ONE OF THE GREATEST STREAKS OF DETECTIVE

  WORK TO DATE AND CAPTURES A MAN WHOM

  FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS REWARD

  HAD FAILED TO FETCH.

  As intimated, the game had proceeded and our hero was winning and losing, when suddenly the door of the room opened and a man of remarkable appearance entered the room. His entrance was followed by an exhibition as though a ghost had suddenly appeared at the conventional midnight hour and demanded a hand, as he reached forth his rattling joints of bone. The men stared, even our hero for just one instant lost his equi-poise, but he recovered when like a wink he asked, as though no one had entered the room:

  “What do you do?”

  The men, however, just sat and stared while the intruder said, a pallor on his emaciated face and a glitter in his eyes:

  “I heard the game going on, boys, and I could not resist — oh, I love a little game at times.”

  “You are not well enough to sit up yet, Mr. Alling.”

  “Oh, yes; I feel better to-day; but whom have we here?”

  One of the men winked and said:

  14

  BY OLD SLEUTH

  “A friend of ours — one of the four hundred — but he ain’t proud. He is a gentleman clean through.”

  The man who had asked the question fixed his glittering eyes on our hero. The dude appeared unconscious of the fact that he was undergoing a study beneath the gaze of a man who could read the human face like a book.

  As intimated, the man was a very remarkable-looking individual. He was one who would attract attention anywhere, owing to the singular sharp expression on his face.

  The man appeared to be satisfied with his study, and said, as he sat down to the table: “Give me some cards.

  Ah, this is just glorious after having lain in a sick bed for a month.”